Love is a Growing Up
by jay64
Summary: In Latin there is not one word for love, but four. This is how Kurt and Blaine experience each.


**Earlier this year my world religions teacher (who's really homophobic heh- using your lectures to write gay fanfic) gave a lecture on the four Latin words for love and it inspired this. I actually wrote it a few months ago but I was unsatisfied with it so I held off posting until now. Hope you guys like (⊙‿⊙✿)**

* * *

In latin there is not one word for love, but four. Each means something slightly different as an attempt to explain to truly indescribable thing that love is.

The first is Cupiditas, which means desire. Its primitive nature makes many question if it should even be considered love but it, no doubt, does share some portion in it. The next is Amor, which is defined as romantic love. While this is what is often portrayed in books and movies, and is thought to represent the deepest kind of love, it's actually far from it.

A line divides the first two levels from the following two; there being a significant increase in meaning with the latter.

Friendship comes third, and it represented by the word Amicitia. This is felt not solely in the context of romantic love, but is present in every truly successful relationship. And the last is Dilecto, meaning Sacrifice. In a perfect world this would never be experienced, and a lucky few might not, but in this far-from-ideal world it crops up a lot, and deepens a love like nothing else.

Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson may not have experienced these in the traditional order, or even in the same order as each other, but then again, no good love story is that simple. There were many subtle moments that built to these ideas, and pinpointing when exactly there was a shift from one to another is impossible, but these snapshots in time give a little taste of each of the four.

* * *

**Cupiditas-Desire**

Kurt's eyes flitted between the rushing, similar faces of the prep school boys, his mind spinning and heart beating fast, until impulse caused him to tap the first shoulder he could reach. Lucky for him, that shoulder was attached to a very handsome, if hair gel coated, boy.

From the first moment Kurt laid eyes on Blaine he felt desire. Not in the sexual way, Kurt had never felt too comfortable with things of that nature, especially in specifics, his few and far between fantasies featuring nameless, faceless guys, but a desire for this boys affection.

When he took his hand, something no boys at his school would dream of doing, Kurt thought he was in love. What else could that feeling be?

Kurt wanted to know this boy, but more than anything else, he wanted this boy to know him. He wanted somebody to love him, and cherish him, and find him attractive, and after a (somewhat awkward) conformation where he learned it was a possibility ("I mean, I am, but no, these two have girlfriends"), the dreaming began.

* * *

For Blaine, it went a little differently. There was the spark when they first met, the acknowledgement that yes, this boy is stunning, but it didn't go past that. Blaine couldn't afford to let himself think like that. Kurt needed a friend and nothing else at that time; there was no use in dreaming about anything more when it would never work out.

Things were peachy for a while, their friendship blooming, thoughts being kept from wandering too far into dangerous territory, but then came the dreams. After the first, he managed to convince himself he didn't recognize the face, but then when another followed it was impossible to pretend. Still though, it was probably only the conversation about porn with Kurt (and the arousal that day was determined to only be a reaction to porn in general, not Kurt watching porn) that caused those dreams to keep occurring.

But a week later, Blaine had to admit to himself that it was a problem, as the feelings he had towards Kurt were definitely no longer in the PG range.

* * *

**Amor- Romantic Love**

Amor is characterized by the declarations too often heard that go something like I love the way he/she makes me feel or you make me happier than I've ever been. Now don't misunderstand, it's wonderful if someone else makes you feel that way, but that doesn't mean you love the other person, it just means you love the way they make you feel.

To fall in love with falling in love is one of the most dangerous things a person can do because it will only lead disappointment and heartbreak on both ends and perpetual insatisfaction for the party guilty of this thinking.

While most high school relationships tend to stay in this stage for a long time, or even indefinitely, the same was not true for Kurt and Blaine. Still, they did spend their time there.

* * *

Kurt experienced these feelings before he and Blaine ever even got together. Due to the rarity of boys his age actually wanting to be around him, Blaine being gay, and his signature flirty nature, there was a little confusion on Kurt's part.

It started when Blaine started buying his coffee. The first time Kurt had forgotten his wallet so it seemed innocent enough, but after that, wallet or no wallet, Blaine insisted on buying. Yes, Kurt did always drive them and therefore had to pay for gas, but it didn't stop the little thrill that went through him as Blaine, eventually, even began ordering for him, just like they were a real couple.

Things came crashing down around Valentine's day, for obvious reasons, and it made Kurt aware of how much he didn't know about the boy he was calling his best friend. Never had he mentioned this gap manager he had a crush on, or really anything else about his personal life.

So Kurt pushed away the romantic fog that had been obscuring his vision and got down to getting to know the real Blaine Anderson instead of the made up one he'd been idolizing for the past few weeks.

But though the smoke had cleared, the ember still burned hot inside him, and it seemed Kurt began to fall even harder than before.

* * *

This phase was short lived for Blaine as well and popped up on the evening of their first date.

Earlier that day, Blaine had revealed his feelings for Kurt and then kissed him and honestly, Blaine didn't think life could get any better than that moment afterward, seeing the shock and arousal and genuine happiness on Kurt's face before he dove in for a second, longer, more intense kiss. But as he reached over in the theatre to grab Kurt's hand that night, not having to worry about other people's eyes in the dark, and heard the small intake of breath, and saw his smile grow even bigger, he knew he was wrong.

Still, unconsciously, the main focus of that night had been himself. The warmth that spread through him caused by Kurt's tinkling laugh was wonderful, addictive even, and he made it his goal to bring about that reaction as much as possible. Just the thought that this amazing, caring, beautiful boy would give him a second chance, after he had already rejected him, did wonders for his self esteem. For once, somebody thought he was worth it.

* * *

Romantic love, a perk, often a precursor to, but not the root of a true connection.

* * *

**Amicitia- Friendship**

Before lines are drawn and harsh words are thrown, let me explain. Kurt and Blaine were friends of some sort before they were boyfriends, but not friends by this definition. Amicitia, simply, means loving someone for who they are. A friendship this deep takes longer than a few weeks to form.

* * *

"Blaine, what's the matter?"

While the Night of Neglect certainly hadn't gone as well as planned, the idea of a true full house had always seemed a bit far fetched to Kurt, Blaine's anger seemed out of place. Perhaps it was the insults; Blaine surely wasn't use to them after all his time spent behind Dalton's doors.

"How can you stand it?" Blaine demanded with a fury barely contained. "The absolute... absolute cruelty of those people."

Kurt shrugged and offered a weak smile. "Years of practice?" Lighten the mood, yes this was good. Anger was not a trait Kurt had seen on Blaine before, and he wasn't sure he liked how comfortable it looked on him.

Blaine's face dropped but the fire in his eyes never dimmed. "Well you shouldn't have to. No one should. Call me idealistic," he continued, as if reading Kurt's mind, "but we can't just accept these things. If we do, we're no better than the people who spew the hate in the first place."

That was never Kurt's way, his strategy being head held high, shoulders back, deep breath, serene smile, ignoring. To show it hurt, that was giving them far too much power.

Blaine though, when he got riled up, he wore his heart on his sleeve. No longer could he hide behind pristine blazers, doo-oping boys, or gelled hair. In those moments, few and far between, his passion, his loyalty, it rivaled none he had ever seen. And Kurt loved it.

Kurt didn't label this moment as a moment of friendship, although that's what it was. It wasn't the joy of having someone to talk to, or understand him, or the pleasure of being wanted that, in this moment, made the surge of affection flood through his body. It was Blaine; pure and simple. It was this part of him, completely disconnected from Kurt and having no effect on his feelings, that he loved.

* * *

The last school dance Blaine had been to was a disaster. Or, to quote his mother, a tragedy. It kept him from multiple dances at Dalton, although different excuses had been given. Never had he told anyone about the incident, let alone considered going to another school event like that, and then Kurt came and changed everything.

Kurt had always been the bravest person he'd ever known, but this blew Blaine out of the water. The texts of courage to Kurt earlier in the year now seemed like a joke. How did Blaine ever think he was in the position to be giving Kurt courage? A year later and Blaine was still tormented by the ghosts of a single incident while Kurt, Kurt was bullied and beaten everyday and yet he still had the strength to pick himself back up.

It made Blaine feel silly, and weak even, but more than anything it inspired him.

When he first met Kurt he'd told him he ran from bullies and that was something he regretted. Since then he'd been trying to do the opposite; which he thought was running towards them, confronting them, calling them out. Now, though, he realizes he was wrong. What he really needed to do was get off the track. He needed to stop letting them run his life.

At the end of the day, Blaine didn't go to prom because Kurt was his boyfriend, he went because he was his friend. Blaine didn't want to hinder that bravery and strength Kurt exuded in any way and somehow he just knew that if Kurt was by his side, nothing too horrible could happen.

* * *

**Dilecto- Sacrifice**

Dilecto means loving someone even when it's going to cost you; and cost you big. This kind of love is also not purely romantic, its most common form being between parent and child. A child costs not only money but time and patience and all sorts of things yet the love a parents has for their child rivals no other.

That being said, this costly loves happens between other people too, and, perhaps, it means more when it is overcome because there is no mandate to love a significant other like there is to love a child.

Kurt and Blaine both experienced this type of love and while it didn't completely tear them apart, like it does many couples, it did create some serious issues.

* * *

Going to prom the first time could, possibly, fall into this category, but it didn't seem a true sacrifice since deep down, Blaine did want to confront his past.

So instead we fast forward a year and a half and find ourselves in a courtyard listening to Blaine convince his boyfriend, his best friend, his everything, to leave him behind. Kurt would have Rachel and New York and his dreams while Blaine was still stuck in high school, surrounded by people he had never forged any deep connections with, but there was no hesitation. He wanted- no he needed Kurt to be happy and this was the next step for him.

Now, of course, the distance did get to Blaine, and while it's clear he never stopped loving Kurt, he did do a horribly cruel thing. But that brings us onto the next part...

* * *

Kurt Hummel was cheated on by the love of his life and that is one of the most painful things in the world. That kind of betrayal from the one who's supposed to love you most can wreck even the strongest people.

He probably couldn't have ever stopped loving Blaine, but he could have moved on. Other guys showed interest- cute, funny, smart, talented guys- but Kurt never gave them a fighting chance. He couldn't forget Blaine so instead he compared all the new suitors to him; and of course they never lived up.

Letting Blaine back in required a huge sacrifice. For a long time after Kurt would live with the nagging fear that Blaine wasn't who he said he was and that he would cheat again. And he couldn't tell Blaine this because the look of pure self hatred that took over his face when it was brought up was too painful.

Eventually, Kurt did get past it, and their love was stronger for it. They knew now how much they could hurt each other, and how much they meant to each other, so there really was a silver lining.

* * *

Cupiditas, amor, amicitia, dilecto; these are not destinations but descriptors. A true love does not experience these once, but again and again until the end of time.

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."- James Baldwin.


End file.
